Ross- my Skillful Resources
Be an Island, by Ayya Khema,
Loving Kindness L-K
Right speech is a skill that has to be learned. It depends not only on our thinking processes but also on our emotional responses. If we want to feel important---an emotional aspect of our ego illusion---our speech will sound self-righteous. We need to watch not only our thoughts but our feelings as well.
(p46), Speech should not be flattering or overly sweet. Such speech sounds, and is, false, but some people use it habitually. They always have an overly agreeable and exaggeratedly supportive reply. They are trying to sound kind, but it does not ring true.
(p96)Since 93% of our speech is nonverbal, we have to watch our thoughts and emotions very carefully. We cannot hide them or keep them secret.
Somebody makes a statement that seems them to be perfectly plain, but the other person picks up on the feeling and hear something entirely different. But often people do not question, they just misunderstand, and enmity, dislike, coldness, or indifference ensue.
Speech, feelings, and body language shape how we relate to one another. One important aspect of communal living is not to select someone special to relate to, but to relate to everybody.
How do we relate successfully in a way that minimizes misunderstanding and makes it pleasing to be together? L-K is being “easy to speak to”.
This means being ready to give up our own point of view and accept the other person’s.
We are willing to admit we have made a mistake or say we are sorry and really mean it.
We don’t snap back when someone speaks to us, we try to listen to what they say.
Listening and hearing are not the same thing. Listening means really picking up on what is happening. Creating our own viewpoint is one of the worst errors we make when we believe we are listening, especially when we have a self-image of be a good listener. Listening means being empty of self-importance and reacting to what we hear with empathy. It is an art an a skill, just as speaking is. It requires really being with the other person. Just listening with total attention to what is being said, without making up our own story about it, w/o our mental chatter, is part of compassion. It is also L-K (open hearted acceptance). Unless there is L-K friendly acceptance in our speech it is going to come out wrong.
The Exposition of Non-conflict, p48 Buddha tells us not to exaggerate and not to underrate, both are forms of lying. There is ample time to deliberate and ponder.
There are occasions when we need to tell someone what should be done or what should be left undone. 1 st we have to arouse equanimity within our own heart. When we are peaceful again, the we can remember all the good attributes of the person we wish to address, we can feel at ease about our relationship, and we can say what is on our minds. L-K must be awakened, and if it is not shinning through our words, we are not communicating. We will cause rejection or misunderstanding, or at least bewilderment.
Formula:
*
“If you want to say anything that could be hurtful and is untrue, do not say it”
*
“If you want to say anything that is helpful and is untrue, do not say it”
*
“If you know or want to say anything that could be hurtful and is true do not say it”
* “If you want to say something that could be helpful and is true, find the right time”
copy p49
Taking refuge in a safe environment / experience. A refuge is a shelter, a safe place p4
When we open our hearts, happiness arises – p7
A joyful mind can let go of thinking. What we think say and do has an effect.
Choosing rather than the urge causes Kamma – p16
To practice, not to believe. View points, options etc. are relative truth - p26
Non- judgmental awareness – “just knowing”, clear comprehension implies evaluation, knowing if the thought, word and actions are skillful or unskillful, and stress we have, is created in the mind – p23
Ins – the meditative mind allows the letting go of unskillful thoughts, the contemplation of mental formations (Dhamma),
4NT – p26,
Clinging, belonging, wanting to make contact, we can not expect success immediately, When we are on the path we know where we are going – p28
When the mind becomes concentrated and stops thinking it can be molded into a different shape instead of hardening into old patterns – p35
The malleable mind – p36
Contentment Emotional independence requires a loving heart, “I am of the nature to be diseased” – p42
2 NT – wanting something that we do not have or wanting to get rid of something that we do have.
If you want to say something…p48
Emotional accidents – p49
No blame attached, only recognition, L-K a do-gooder does not do much good! We can not giveaway what we do not have, L-K it is not what is said, but the feeling behind it.
1st NT, wanting thoughts will continue to arise and I will continue to cling to the content of the wanting thought.
2nd NT, If I am mindful of the wanting thoughts and do not continue to cling to it the suffering caused by that wanting thought comes to a end.
Hard to love ourselves – p52, P53, 55 7 - tendencies