Not feeling any anger in a situation is just as unhealthy as expressing anger in a cageful, vengeful manner. e.g.: when we see a child being beaten cruelly, it is natural to feel anger, however this does NOT justify the inappropriate expression by yelling, screaming or beating the abuser. This is healthy anger.
Healthy anger is appropriate to the situation that evokes it. Healthy expression of anger involves facing what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries for yourself by determining what you will do in response to what makes you angry.
e.g.: When you do ________, I feel ______ , and to protect myself I will _________.
Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and is not used to intimidate, control or manipulate the other person. It is expressed, discussed and moved through.
Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. Stuffed anger creates resentment and a myriad of physical, mental and emotional problems. Healthy anger is not expressed in passive-aggressive and manipulative ways.
Unhealthy Anger is a component of abusive relationships. This kind of anger or rage is experienced with great intensity and expressed likewise by screaming and yelling, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish.
Rage is a shame-based expression of anger.
Rage is by definition abuse. They react to strong emotions with rage, i.e. feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss convert to rage.
They were typically shamed or punished by their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young; i.e.: "Be a man and don't cry", "Nice girls don't get angry" or "I'll give you something to cry about".
Raging gives the angry person a feeling of power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.
Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.
By pushing feelings down it is impossible to work through feelings and move past them, keeping the person trapped in a downward spiral.